As I get older, it feels almost impossible to control my ...lack of caring. Or the fact that it's getting increasingly difficult to mimic others. I always knew that I couldn't show people who I really was. Not because it's the standard way of thinking as a child or a teenager or even as an adult. But the fact that I felt that those people of the normal realm would never understand the true personality of me. I mean honestly, who goes around shouting that they're a sociopath and that they can't harness human emotions properly? I'll tell you, no one. And if they do, they're a complete idiot for relinquishing those bits of information. And that's why I keep my mask up.
But in recent months, I've been letting that out. I've been getting slightly sloppy in the ways of manipulation. And I must say that I am trying to reign myself in. The last thing I need is my acquaintances realizing many more things about me that are on the unusual side. I've always been a selfish female. And at times it has nothing to do with being female. I enjoy only caring for myself. But at times I do crave to have someone lean on me, so that I can put them under my wing and train them.
So, on my range of emotions: what do I feel? On the scale of humanity's normal emotions, I don't really feel much. I've a deep sense of loyalty for certain people. And because of that, I do show them the occasional "feeling." Perhaps it's frustration, anger, passion... But my fellow sociopaths that I am "friends" with -- well, let's just say now that we are "comfortable" with each other, I tend to show my other side. The side that I mask. I don't have to pull in my feelings of destruction. Because it's so often that I want to destroy so many things and get physically and mentally violent.
But now that I just can't even control myself at times, I find mimicking other's reactions has grown tiring. But at times I listen to those who have emotions to understand how to act in front of others. I'll come out and straight forwardly ask them what to do in a situation. But they don't think twice about it because they think we're having a normal conversation. However, it's supposedly wrong when a female does not have emotions. They have to be the loving, caring, trustworthy creatures on Earth. Wrong.
There's no transition for this because I feel the need to just come out and say it. I have this unethical attraction to serial killers. Why? One of my partners believes that those who act on impulse, for example - serial killers or serial rapists, are on the low-functioning end of ASPD. Personally, I almost found the repulsion attractive.
On a sociobiological level, I suppose this is the female in me being attracted to a man and/or woman of power and shows how well they are at hunting and providing. But there is something that I understand about them. I understand what it's like living on the outskirts of the town. Of ultimately having to wear a sheep's clothing and blending in. I can understand how at times you can't control yourself and that you refer to the rest of society as an it. And just for that sole reason of understanding, I will continue to manipulate and enslave my own victims until I'm content and fully stimulated.
-Xana
